Smashed vans, damaged trees, and integrity

Yesterday one of my staff came to me and said there was an issue. (?) Without going into too much detail, he stated that our van had gotten into an "accident". 2 of our kids were involved somehow, they both stated it was an "accident", staff had left them in the van w/ the AC running to keep cool while he went to do something else, one of them had been reaching from the passenger side into the back and had pushed the van into drive, then reverse, and causing the damage seen below:

Whoops!? No one was hurt, but a poor tree took a beating.

So I got into the vehicle and tried to reconstruct the "accident" as described by the 2 kids=no dice! A physical and engenginering impossibility! Lies! I decided to "Mom" them...

Years ago, my Mom asked me a direct question about a questionable activity. I flat out lied and said, "No", I did not participate in such activity. I lasted about an hour and then confessed my lie (which, of course, she already knew!) I do like that about myself--I'm honest, truthful, and can't keep a lie for nothing! But it has also played a big role in keeping my integrity at Covenant House (and, hopefully, with others) at such high standards. When I do something wrong, I tell on myself! I think guilt is one of the ugliest emotions to try and wear and I want no parts of it! I was hoping this would be the case with these 2 young people.

Brought the first kid into my office..."What happened?" He stuck to the original story. I told him it was impossible for it to have happened the way he described. He stuck to it. I told him if he told the truth he wasn't going to get thrown out, I knew in my heart neither of them thought,"Let's trash the van!", the staff that shouldn't've left them alone in a running vehicle wasn't getting fired, etc. No dice! He stayed firm.

Brought the other kid in..."Do you trust me?" I asked...he said yes. "Then trust that no one is getting fired, no one is getting thrown out...I just know that the way you guys are describing what happened is a lie and that really hurts me...We love you, we know you're going to make dumb decisions and yes, there will be consequences for them, but to lie? That really hurts..." I totally "Mom'd" him...I gave him a piece of paper and said,"Write down what happened...and really think about what you're writing." He did.

When he turned it in, I didn't even look at it, just said,"Thanks"...He said, "Ok...uh...thanks...even though it was my fault". Oh yeah???

This young man made a full confession...which is 100% against what his peers would have done (the "No Snitch" street rule is alive and well at YouthBuild!) He outted himself and his role in the incident (turns out he was challenging the other kid about his driving skills, the kid decided to prove he could drive but WHOOPS!=smash into a tree!) My heart soared...I talked with him about integrty, about honesty, I told him stories of me messing up as a young worker at Covenant House and how others gave me room to learn and grow...I applauded his courage to confess.

But what to do? Two stories, consequences had to come, but how to protect the kid who "snitched"?
We brought them in separately this morning...Kid #1 sat very nervous...We asked,"Do you have anything to tell us?" He said no, he was sticking with the original, impossible scenario. We all laughed, pointed out all the holes in his story, encouraged him,"Come on, man! Just come clean!" He would not budge. I got to be the "bad guy" and deliver the "sentance"...In the end, I asked him,"Do you think what we decided was fair?" and he didn't hesitate to say yes (because he KNEW he was wrong!). He hugged each of us (=no love lost here!) and said goodbye until July 11th. We knew he knew that we knew he was lying...but for some reason he still couldn't bring himself to come clean...disappointed...

Brought in Kid #2...sat expectently..."You know your role in this..."etc, he nodded, we imposed "sentence" (a bit less than Kid #1--he told the truth, after all) and Kid #2 apologized, accepted full responsibility for his part in it and was genunine. I said to him, "We accept your apology and you are forgiven...You were forgiven the moment this happened...because we love you and we know that you DO have integrity and you're going to make stupid choices but we will love you in spite of them."

2 different kids...2 different outcomes...I don't know if Kid #1 will ever know that Kid #2 told the "real" truth...but I'll tell you, I was riding high on Cloud #9 yesterday that Kid #2 even came forth and told the truth. That affirms to me that what we are creating here at YouthBuild IS real, it's trust and relationships and an atmosphere where kids CAN mess up and know that there are 7 people who will love them anyway...even if they damage an agency verhicle beyond repair or replacement.

And how many times have I messed up before the Lord? Done "dumb-human-things" that have consequences that I didn't even consider in the moment? Overandoverandover...yet He loves, He forgives, and He gives grace to go forward...so why should we do less than that? With kids? With others?