Yesterday was difficult...As in previous posts, I have referred to a hypothetical doctor delivering news of "You have x amount of months to live...there may be a cure at the end but maybe not..." The doctors in this case are my supervisors who met with my staff and me yesterday and announced this diagnosis: It was decided that there will be no Year 3 for our YouthBuild program...The program will run till possibly October...there may be opportunities within Covenant House (various positions for some of the staff) to move into but that isn't a guarantee. So.
The rot of it all was minutes prior to this announcement, we had been running an academic Olympics for the kids, filled with laughing and humor and fun. Spirits were so high, soaring even, and everyone was in a great mood. Then BAM--the storm rolled in, very similar to the picture above. Talk of contracts, talk of timing, talk of budgets, talk of decisions, getting darker, gloomier, the winds picked up...then confirmation that the program would not continue. You could hear a pin drop in the room (aside from my sniffling back tears).
Am I shaken? No...for I knowthatIknowthatIknow it's all part of a greater plan. My feet are planted on the Rock and my foundation is firm. I can say with a clear conscience that I am NOT worried or afraid for the future...Sad, yes...disappointed, yes...but there is no fear here.
But I felt for my staff. They are all believers but I'm not sure how deep their individual faiths run...and that will be my task in the next few days; to get beside them and listen and share my foundation and assure them that no matter what, God saw this, He planned it, and it's all intended for good and growth. Sometimes we have to prune the healthy in order to grow (that'll be another blog in a few days!)
On my way to work for the last few weeks I've been hearing a song by Shane and Shane called "Without You" (link is above--not sure if I did it correctly, as I still am trying to learn this MAC!)
I can walk through the storm
I can walk by faith when my sight is gone
Just as long as you are here with me
And I can gain everything
But what do I have if I don't have the key
Oh I need to know you're here with me
Here I am calling out Father
Can you hear me, can you hear me
I don't want to go without you
Here I am can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You, I want to hear You
I don't want to move without You
Even though I believe
You've taken up a home inside me
And you'll never leave
I still need to know You'll never leave
If Your presence goes I don't want to stay
If Your presence stays I don't want to go
If Your presence goes I don't want to stay
If Your presence stays I don't want to go
I need You
THIS is my foundation right now...THIS is my shelter amidst the storm of this hard-to-understand diagnosis...God IS here, with me...and I will choose not to move away from Him, from His protection and guidance and peace. No, I can't see clear 4 months from now...No, it's not always easy to hear what He is saying (Can You talk a little louder!?), but I do NOT want to move an inch without His say so, even if that means riding out this storm with the staff huddled around me until next steps are decided for each of us. And for me, in His presence, especially in the storms of life, is the best place to be.
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