The major factor in all of this for the last year or so has been my hair. I've had the same hair style since I was 16--parted in the middle, all one length, bangs=simple. The lengths have varied but it looks relatively the same. Reasons I've kept it this way? It looks like "me"--it's who I've seen in the mirror for the last 2+ decades, the kids have always admired it and begged me to keep it the same (one student even used to "pet" my hair when they came in), and frankly, I've been too chicken to try anything different.
So for the last few months, I've asked several people what they think an "age appropriate" hairstyle for me would be...and have gotten varying answers. BUT...no one has encouraged me to keep it the same, said it looks fine the way it is, or to leave well enough alone. Hmmm...subtle message received. I looked at a lot of pictures and decided to take the plunge and, in addition to chopping off a few healthy inches, get layers around my face like the chick pictured below:
Subtle, nothing drastic...yet entirely new and different. I set a date and started praying.
We have been going through a serious at church about emotions...and I re-learned (because I already knew this) that every negative emotion is rooted in fear. Why had I not changed my hair? Because I was afraid...Of what? Of looking ridiculous, or looking ugly, of hating it and not wanting to leave the house...of change.
As I processed through all this, I heard wise words echo through my mind; "What's the worst thing that can happen?"=I hate it, I look horrible, everyone will make fun of me and point, etc." Could I live with that? Well, there are worse things...and I wasn't doing anything drastic like chopping it all off, getting a perm, changing the color...It became a challenge to prove to myself that I could actually go through with this.
The date arrived. I started the day by changing gym memberships, also something I'd wanted to do for a while but had neglected to because I don't like change! A local gym was offering a sign up deal and lock in rate that was a lot cheaper than what I'd currently been paying and in my attempts to be more thrifty since my $10K reduction I decided to go for it. Now, not to be vain, but at my old gym, at least at the time of day I went, I was one of the most fit people there...so I felt comfortable. When I arrived at this new place, it was 90% meat heads, little ladies in outfits w/ ponytails, and serious body builders. Oh...I looked around...mmmm....uhhh....hmmm...and I signed up anyway. I figured, "What the heck!? Who's gonna be looking at me?"=nobody...and if they do, so what!?
Armed with that new confidence, I drove to a new hair cut place where I had a coupon for $5 off (if I'm taking the plunge I may as well get a deal). I sat waiting and after a while a foreign girl read my name off the sign in sheet. As I walked over to the chair I must have had a look on my face because she immediately asked, "What's wrong?" I said, "I'm doing something different today...You have to make me beautiful...I've had the same hairstyle since I was 16 and I'm about to turn 40 so I want something more age appropriate but I'm nervous. I'm thinking some soft, subtle layers around my face. What do you think?" She began feeling my hair and agreed. I also told her to take about 3 inches off the bottom.
Now, some hairstylists put 100 clips in your hair and take their time. This girl started hacking. Length=gone. I nodded approval. She grabbed a chunk of hair from the front and indicated where she was going to cut and I winced. "What you scared uf? Zyou vill look great!"I let out a breath and closed my eyes...hack, hack hack...I kept wincing..."If zyou geht home an hehte it thdon't geht mad aht me!"She kept cutting. When she was done I opened my eyes...and saw bunches of wet hair laying in clumps...half way around my head. "See? Zyou look so cyute!" Urgh...it looked nothing--NOTHING-like how I'd wanted it. But there it was...
I grabbed a clip, shoved my hair into a bun, paid her, and left. As I was walking towards the car I was smiling, not because I'd gotten the world's worst haircut, but because I'd actually gone through with it! I even patted myself on the back and said, "Good for you, Jen!" I kept my hair pulled back for 4 days. Thankfully it was President's weekend and I didn't really have to be anywhere so see anyone. And I just wasn't ready to really look at it.
On my first day back to work, I finally allowed myself to see the damage this lady had inflicted on my head. It looked ridiculous--disheveled, uneven...Now what? I went to town with my curl brush, trying to make it look presentable. I decided to tell no one about this haircut and just see if anyone noticed.
That was 1 week and 2 days ago. I even went without curling it one day to see if anyone could tell. If anyone noticed this undramatic transformation, they haven't said a word to me (or else it's so bad they are choosing not to acknowledge it!) I'm betting on the fact that it's really so subtle that it's not that noticeable (or at least that's what I'm hoping!) The positive in all this is that I moved past, even slightly, a long standing fear...I had prayed for courage for something as simple as getting a different haircut...and if though it ended up a disaster in my eyes, I was granted that courage. And it warms my heart to know that God can give us that kind of courage for even the small things. I wonder what will be next?
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