Faith

So I had a chat with one of the "doctors" working on my "cure"...As you may recall from previous posts, I was offered a temporary cure that may turn into something permanent but then Cure #2 came along, which is what I want, but I wasn't sure it would be a possibility. Right before I left for vacation, I was informed that Cure #2 was waiting on "FDA approval" which could take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months...so...Cure #1 it is, with negative side effects and all...while I wait for FDA approval and even then, the Cure needs to be able to work with my particular makeup.  The doctor was hoping to hear something by December...and if nothing is heard, there are a bajillion little factors that could go in a bajillion different ways.

So what now? In the simplest of words, faith! Just faith. Not to sound repetitive but it's what keeps me going throughout this journey--God sees, He knows, He is orchestrating it all. The dots may not connect until later and I'm ok with that. One of the greatest parts of this has been to be able to openly speak of my faith to others who are knowledgeable of this process to get me to wherever God is leading me, even the doctors. And who knows what seeds it has planted it others or how it may be encouraging to someone who is going through their own struggles with, "Why!?" "What now!?" "When!?"

Many years ago Covenant House lost a grant I was working under. I was doing Risk Reduction at the time and was aptly named "The Sex Lady". I counseled kids through pregnancy scares, HIV/STD nightmares, relationships gone wrong, and screamed "Abstinence!" as loud as I could. I absolutely LOVED that position and did my best for the 3 years I had it. Once we lost the grant, I went through a "wilderness" summer of "What will we do with Jen?" as we waited for other grants to be approved and other facets to fall into place. It ended up bleeding into fall and finally, after 4 months of being title-less, I finally found a new "home" doing Program Development and Outreach. But I remember the process to get there was long--very long--and when I re-read journals from that period of time I can physically recall the heaviness of, "When?" Each day brought me closer to the edge of the desert and into the Promised Land but God's "Not yets" were zapping me of energy. My calendars were blank, I cleaned my office a million times, I wrote a LOT of jail mail, afforded myself to other departments just so I could feel useful.

But I made it...and I will make it again. And I can look back on that part of the journey with connected dots and see how the Lord worked, even to prepare me for what I'm presently going through with a gentle reminder of, "See, Jen? You've been here before...Trust me".  And I do.