Passings

I learned today of the death of one of our alums. Some of us had known she was battling an illness for many years...still, when the news was learned, it still brought fresh, hot tears to my eyes.

Currently in the midst of a Sleep Out event taking place this week and "in the weeds" deep in task, I shed some tears, made a call and sent a text, and then put the news "over there" for the time being. I allowed myself to feel the sadness of the loss but decided not to harp on it yet...until later.

Throughout the day I was in contact with both staff and kids from her era, almost 20 years ago, as she was one of my "first kids". I had to share her passing with another staff who'd come on shift--a few years behind me but still just as invested in her life--probably moreso. The tears were immediate. The grief was fresh. And we told a few stories and mourned the loss together. Saddened, devastated, but realizing that this too is part of life...

On my way home I turned off the radio and just prayed. Prayed for her family, for our other alums who were taking her death hard, for our staff present and past that felt the pain of the loss.

The part that made me cry the most though was realizing what a gift I have in my "work family". For almost 20 years I've worked, served, fussed, grieved, cheered, and "fought the good fight" among an amazing team. And the longer I'm there, the fewer "lifers" (as we like to call ourselves!) there are...but still...In times like this, there is a shared history, a common knowing and remembering, and I often forget to value that until times like today when I can share the grief and tears with other co-workers who "get it".

I remember this young woman at 17, beautiful, classy...I remember her telling me she played in her high school band and being surprised at learning that (a wind instrument, I think). I see her in a cute outfit and white tights, sitting without shoes on the couch in our lounge and thinking how put together she looked. I see the picture I have of her 9+ months pregnant and waddling down our hallway with another staff, willing labor to begin for her first child. I see her at the funeral of the death of one of her children, sudden and unexpected, and how I held her just for a few moments but how surprised but comforted she was to know that I was there. I looked back at the message I sent her on Facebook through our alumni page just a few weeks ago and how she'd wanted to come and share her story with our youth but she had something else scheduled. "Next time", I told her. 

Our community has lost 6 young people since January. Some were current youth but most were alums or youth that had left recently. Murder, overdose, natural causes, and suicide. But every death hurts. It cuts. It's a loss that is felt. I asked God, if it is HIS will, to keep me a part of this community I consider my "family", no matter how much it hurts in times like this. We are there for each other, we support, we grieve, and we cry...and then we move on to keep serving kids. And although it's bittersweet--always--tonight I'm still so blessed to be a part of it all.