11/4/11 I wrote about attending a sentencing for a young man and our last visit. Over the last 6+ years I never forgot a birthday or Christmas and added a few letters in between. I kept tabs on his transfers around the NJDepartment of Corrections, asking about certain moves, aiming to keep a safe distance but still be a touchpoint of sorts. I'd told this young man I was in for the long haul=the whole bid...and in spite of 6+ years of job changes and various responsibilities that drew me away from anything related to direct care, I kept my word.
I knew his release date was this week. My daily prayers increased from, "Please watch over him", to, "Please keep him safe and help him make smart choices", having been around the block a few times with young men that are just coming home. I'd sent a "final letter" maybe a month or so ago, giving him some standard words of advice and encouragement but also giving him an "out" if he chose to close the "Ms. Jen" chapter and move forward, not wanting to create any expectations for him beyond which he was able to deliver since I wasn't 100% sure of his parole plans. I never received a response which I was fine with.
His release date came and went. I went about my normal but kept an eye on my voicemail, just in case but not having too high of expectations.
My phone rang this afternoon and a voice I 1/2 recognized asked if this was indeed "Mrs. Jennifer Williams" to which I confirmed. And, of course, it was "him". Immediately I went into fuss mode="Welcome home!" etc. He had a parole appointment in the afternoon but we agreed to a "stop in and say hi" at our crisis center a few minutes before he had to report.
I pulled up to the shelter and was busying myself with gathering donations to bring in from a donor..when out of the corner of my eye I spotted him, lingering in an abandoned storefront entryway a few doors down...I looked up and smiled...and he smiled back.
I took him in--6+ years older than the 18 year old he was when arrested for a stupid choice. He looked 99% the same. I got that, "Just came home" hug and hung on for dear life for a few extra seconds...so thankful that he survived prison, so thankful that he thought to call Ms. Jen and wanted to reconnect, so blessed that I was able to keep my word and be a touchstone for him of sorts.
We talked for about a half hour...what it was like in prison, what his plans were, what temptations he needed to avoid...I offered my help..and he paused..."Like, what could you help me with?" 13+ years ago I would have promised the world...but I'm older, wiser, and in a different space. I told him if he needed job referrals, had questions on how to find this or that, or just needed someone to knock some sense into his head, I'd be there. And he seemed fine with that.
At one point he said, "You did it--you did the whole bid with me", kind of marveling. I responded, "Well, I told you I would...did you not believe me?" He answered, "You never know if someone is gonna keep their word...but you did. You were always there..." which humbled me because in compared to years past, I maintained minimal contact with this kid...but for him, it was enough.
I walked him down to parole, I gave him another hug and told him to behave himself. Then I walked away with a feeling I have come to recognize. I was "Ms. Jen" again...I was the 38 year old that visited this kid in the county jail every few weeks, pleaded for mercy at his sentencing, and began a 6+ year journey. I have prayed for this kid almost every day, hoped he'd survive prison, tried to maintain appropriate boundaries, said, No!" to certain requests, and always hoped for the best.
It's been years since I've been in this season...and I recognize it, the flood of feelings of, "I want to help!" "What can I do!?" "Do you have enough support?" "What do you need from me?" And I'm glad I'm wise enough to recognize it and my limitations in responding to it...I need it to be enough that he made the call...that we met and spoke, that he appreciated the support for the last 6 years. I guess the "Ms. Jen" in me will always be there, ready to rescue, to help, to cheerlead...but it can't be the all encompassing drive that it was years ago...and I'm okay with that tonight. Because to just have been there through it all is enough...and he told me so...so there it is.
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