And To Cherish, Part 2

I can't recall any time as a child, teenager, or adult ever questioning that my parents loved me. They showed it physically with hugs and kisses. They affirmed it with their words. They demonstrated it by being present at as many performances and games as they could. They wrote it down with affirmations in notes and cards, many of which I still have today--from Mom on my first day of working my first "real" job out of college, from my Dad in random letters to me at college. They worked hard to provide for my needs (not always my "wants"=another lesson in love). And every so often, I'd get a surprise gift--a Hersey's Bar with almonds in the freezer, a soundtrack cassette tape or an Easter or Halloween baset or care package at college...something small to say, "I love you--I'm thinking of you!"

In my early dating relationships "love" meant many different things...A 3 month anniversary gift carefully chosen, making out in the backseat of a car, writing a letter every day we were apart, spending lots of money on long distance telephone bills, that guy that made me a sign entirely out of Lucky Charms, feeding each other spoonfuls of chocolate peanut butter ice cream from the same sundae, more making out, giant bouquets of flowers or a handmade ballgown (yes, really!), carefully chosen mixed tapes of favorite songs, more making out, ending each call or date with a heartfelt declaration of, "I LOVE YOU!!!"...and, oh yeah, making out.

These are all "love languages", which I recently discovered is the "proper" term. Our church was doing a series on REALationships and one of the pastors at the end was talking about marriages and how we need to learn to speak the "love language" of our spouse in order to ensure a healthier more harmonious relationship. I'd heard of this "love language" stuff for years--just never pursued it. Still, I was curious. So when he pulled out a copy of "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Smalley and offered it up to someone in the congregation, my arm shot up and he tossed it to me.

I read 95% of it in one sitting.

I read things I'd never considered, not only about me but about Mark and our marriage--some stuff that I already knew and had affirmed and then a few other choice nuggets that never entered my mind. When we got married, I remember thinking that as a wife, I had to express my love for Mark in certain ways: (these "rules" I put on myself, mind you!)=dinner ready every night (never happened), responsible for all household chores, available for, um, "activity" at the ready, notes/words/endless declarations of love...I remember during our first year I would wake him up from sleeping in order to give him a kiss good-bye as I left for work and to tell him I loved him. Thank God he told me later that this was rather annoying--he knew I loved him but he'd rather have uninterrupted sleep. Lesson learned. I know that I've received either rave reviews or downright disappointment in the gift giving category=lesson learned. Even during our dating years, I was a note leaver, carefully leaving loving scribbles of song lyrics and declarations of my undying devotion...yeah, okay. Not really a game changer. I learned that,"Thank you so much", or "I really appreciate that you took the time to do that", goes a long way. That even though we're not big on gift giving, a rare Resse's Peanut Butter Cup left in the freezer can speak volumes to him or a 30 second back scratch can just simply indicate, "I see you, I know you are there, and here is something to make you feel nice", without having to go all out.

Over the years I believe we've become more attuned to each other's "love languages" but still--the book gave a little quiz at the end to see where each spouse fared. The results were interesting.

The 5 Love languages are as such: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

I took the quiz first. I scored highest on Acts of Service as my primary love language. I found this interesting...I do like to do for others--simples acts of help, a little of this or that to know I care, writing notes or sharing memes with co-workers to help brighten their day, bringing cookies or brownies to work for the kids, taking care of the bulk of the home responsibilities...yet I realized that this also shows love to me. Example: a few weeks ago I was busting around the house trying to get the Saturday chores done so I could go increase my skin cancer risk at the beach. I'd folded the laundry and was finishing up whatever I was doing at the time before taking it upstairs to put away. Mark grabbed the basket without me asking and took it upstairs. That might seem small, but it gave me pause and spoke volumes. He also takes on 99.999999% of the cooking. He takes out the trash, the recycle, mows and cares for the lawn, is "Mr. Fix-It", and does the laundry on Wednesdays. He doesn't have to but he does. For us. Mark scored high on this area too but equally high on Words of Affirmation--actually, we both scored the same with this.

Ever since my Lent quest for monitoring my words better, I have found this to be more true in my marriage than any other relationship. As I've grown to know Mark more and more, I know this is an area that is Holy ground for him. So while I am more intentional, I also make sure I'm authentic. I don't make up compliments or affirmations just to make him feel good. If I come home and the newly mown lawn looks great, I'll tell him sincerely. If he redirects my thinking on an issue or problem I've taken down one road, I'll completely agree that there was another way of looking at it and, "Thank you for your perspective". Simple yet so meaningful. As this is my secondary "love language", it's nice when it comes back to me also. A few weeks ago we were discussing with someone the state of someone else's home. Person A said, "You're home never looks/smells like this or that", to which Mark replied, "Jennifer works really hard on that...she cleans and Febreezes and vacuums the hair off the furniture, etc. " and that was payday for me. Something so simple, even said to someone else, yet it affirmed love to me, appreciation...affirmation.

I don't need a book to tell me how to be a better wife or how to improve my marriage--I trust Jesus to guide and direct that. But I am thankful for Him using others like Gary Smalley to bring certain angles to light, considerations to help nurture and continue to cherish my wonderful person whom God gave me to love. My quest is to not only continue to be aware of my own love language and Mark's, but to be observant to those around me in my closest circles (family, work), learn their love languages, and love them fiercely.