For the last month plus I've been enjoying reconnecting with "alumni"=any "kid" who's been out of our program for 10+ years. It's amazing how well some have done and how some are still...well...not too much better than when they first walked through our doors. Still, you hope for the best and I'm comforted that so many are alive, well, and out living life.
"Touchtones", as you know from previous posts, is an alum I care deeply for. Over the last year plus since he's been home from prison, I've decidedly kept a comfortable distance, wanting to give him space to rebuild a life that was on pause for so many years, reconnect with his children's mother with whom he lives and his 2 (now 3) children, but still lifting him up in prayer each day, a quick text from my work cell on holidays or just a monthly, "You good?" just to keep the relationship alive and keep the door open. About a month ago I was putting together an alumni panel to come and share their stories with the current kids and offer encouragement. I asked Touchstones if he would join us and he said yes. "I need to", was the reply. Unfortunately, it ended up being cancelled due to double booking. Oh well.
So 2 weeks ago I was assembling another panel and I sent him a text, asking him if he'd like to participate. His girlfriend texted back...that he had violated parole and had been sent back behind the wall. My heart hurt...my head hurt...I was flooded with every emotion I could think of that wasn't positive in a very short amount of time=disappointment, rage, frustration, sadness, disbelief...I waited about a week to see if he'd reach out...and when no letter came I sat down to write, something I hadn't done since April of 2012, the last time I truly believed I'd have to write numbers after his name on an envelope.
I filled about 4 pages in 20 minutes...and then I didn't mail it. I sat on it for a week just to see if he'd write first so at least I'd have a basis from which to answer rather than the outpouring of my heart. I still haven't mailed it...but I will. It's all over the place and you can "hear" the frustration and disappointment in varying sentences...There's a lot of "Coach" in it, which is a role I don't take on too often...but there are sections of "head cheerleader" also, which is more my style. Still, every time I think about this whole situation, disappointment pangs in my tummy. I was so sure--SO SURE--he'd make it this time. So sure the recidivism was over. I gave myself a brief pity party and self-blame session (Maybe if I'd called more? Maybe if I'd stayed on top of what he was up to?) but as soon as I started going down that road I did a quick about face. This "kid" is 32 years old, can/does make his own decisions...and I'm far enough away from the center of his life to have probably not been able to influence his choices one way or the other. A boo for sure...but it is what it is.
Contrast that boo with an unexpected Yay. Remember the kid from "Birthdays" post? The one my co-worker made the most unfortunate looking cake in the world for? He is also part of the alumni group and it's been interesting to see him grow over the years. One of the youth who currently lives in one of our programs will be running with us when Covenant House participates in the Color Run in Atlantic City on October 19th. Since the Sleep Out in AC is less than 9 weeks away and I don't want to ask for too many favors from my "go to" people, I decided, with her permission, to post her fundraising link to our alumni site and see if any alums would help sponsor her run.
To my delight and surprise, Birthdays said he'd give her $10. I couldn't believe it! Not fully aware of his financial situation other than he lives in the same apartment he's been in for over 10 years and I don't think he's working, I was touched that he would sacrifice $10 for a girl he didn't even know...not that he's selfish or anything...It's just that $10 can be stretched pretty far.
I followed up a week or so later to see when I could collect the money from him...then advised him to just drop it of at Covenant House and give it to a co-worker. He responded and said he'd take it over right then and, "I've decided to give $20". My heart exploded in pride! What!? REALLY!? I responded to him about how utterly proud I was...and when my co-worker picked up the money from him she make an equal fuss. So unexpected, so out of character (at least from his earlier years!) but what a great testimony of a life changed and wanting to give back (which is what he told my co-worker). A wonderful yay!
And that's what this work--heck, life!--is about, yes? A series of "yays and boos". I entitled this post Yays and Boos because I was reading a journal from 1996 and wrote that my father had walked into the kitchen while I was writing and had asked how I was, "More yay than boo?" which was typical of him. I'm thankful that I've tried in my spiritual life to see the yays more than the boos...and in the midst of a boo, trust God's purpose in it, even when it breaks my heart or disappoints my spirit to the core.
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