Beautiful Soul...

In all honesty, I try not to think too much of myself. I know the parts of me--my character, my skills, my attributes--that are positive but I tend to focus on all the "stuff" about me that needs improvement or I'd rather just eliminate! Habits, tendencies, genetics, etc. I can take a compliment and like a good pat on the back, but I've learned over the years not too seek that out too much, especially from other people...the Lord is the only One I need to please and whose "Well done!" means the most.

So it threw me for a loop the other day when I was sitting in a meeting and the team (not the staff I supervise but the leaders of CH) was wrestling with a current issue and trying to figure out a solution. My former direct supervisor sat back and listened to us (the women!) go round and round, offering this and that opinion, maybe this will work, we've tried this in the past, etc. I have come to learn that he does this--sits back, takes it all in, and then offers a verdict he's usually already decided upon ahead of time (and has just waited for us all to figure it out). He began with his observations and feedback and then offered a plan moving forward that included me taking the reigns, which was interesting because the current issue being addressed has nothing to do with me, my program, etc. This raised some subtle eyebrows but no protests until we started talking about the process I would use to investigate this current issue further...Jen doesn't work directly with these folks...Are they really going to talk to Jen...Can Jen get the job done...etc.

What came out next caused things in my head to crash...He declared, "Jen has a beautiful soul and people will see that..." and then I stopped listening. Beautiful soul? Beautiful soul? I averted my eyes to my lap and just mulled that over...What a thing to say...What a heavy observation to make...What a label to have to continue to live up to (HA!)  Having worked with this person for 15+ years, I totally understand the motive and reason of why it was said...and thankfully no one disagreed! But it made me feel...some type of way.

I pray out loud when I pray, mostly because I pray in the car, and I find that praying out loud, like any conversation, helps me to really articulate what I'm feeling. So the next morning as I was addressing this whole thing, I said to God, "About the whole 'beautiful soul comment'...I'm not sure how I feel about that...Fla--no...not flattered...um...assured?...no, um...come on, God, help me here...um...YES (as it came to me), HUMBLED...but also affirmed...so please continue to help me live up to that and reflect You in me to others because that's what they need to see" (or something like that). But it was humbling to hear that...and it made me wonder how many people might actually disagree with that? And I started going through my "people inventory" and how many beautiful souls I know...yet it still comes down to this: my soul--beautiful, merciful, peaceable, compassionate--whatever you want to call it, is only the way it is because of Jesus...not because I've cultivated beauty in it, but because Christ in me shines through it...and THAT'S what people need to see when I meet with them.