What To Do

I remember that when I used to run the crisis shelter in Atlantic City, one of the consistent struggles I faced was making decisions. Instead of evaluating carefully and then executing a choice, I'd labor for hours, sometimes even days, consulting too many people and then reevaluating based on the various inputs I'd received. My supervisor even included this as an area of growth on my yearly evaluation and asked me how I wanted to proceed in addressing it. I asked for a few days to consider an action plan (HA! Not wanting to decide on the spot!) and I came back with James 3:17:

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy". 

I believe this scripture actually made it into my official evaluation and my supervisor was affirmed in allowing me to pursue this litmus to decision making...Not that I employed it very often. I still struggled. My hesitancy, looking back, was in not wanting to be wrong, in not wanting to hurt or cause grief to kids or staff, and in not wanting to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. I don't think I ever concerned myself with, "Is this gonna get me in trouble?" I pretty much knew the boundaries of that. The situations that gave me greatest pause involved people, feelings, mercy, head versus heart, "the right thing to do", and often times, moral dilemmas.

Recently I've been faced with such a dilemma, the details of which I will keep to myself. In the world of 2017, I doubt the, "Yes or no" answer to the 2 decisions I've been presented would even register a 1 on the 1-10 anxiety/what should I do/is this right or wrong scale. Yet as a Christian, I live in the world but am not to be of it. Therefore, as a believer, if my faith is worth anything, certain situations in life arise and rather than "go with the flow" or the majority, I am called to take a stand. Choose. Decide. Live out my faith. 

For some things this comes easy to me. Cheat on taxes? NO! Outright lie to someone? NO! Steal? Commit adultery? Murder? Absolute NO! Others...do I sometimes skip church? Yes. Do I covet? At times. Do I grumble and complain and at times speak ill of the absent? Yes, yes, and yes...sinner that I am. Not that those are "lesser sins", rather, all are equal. Still, the human part of me feels less guilty about drinking too much or snapping at someone in anger than if I'd lied on a document or kept cash donations to myself and didn't report them. 

As I've taken stock of this decision I gratefully and mercifully have time to mull over, it has caused me to consider where I do stand on many of the seemingly moral issues of our day of which I've not had to take a stand (yet) but I've put myself into those situations to test my spirit...I've never been a petition signing, protest marching, soapbox preaching, sign waving person...still, certain areas I feel firm about. Would I attend a gay wedding? No. Would I attend a baby shower for a single woman friend (or family member?) that chooses to get impregnated at a sperm bank and become a single mother? No. If I knowingly knew someone was stealing from my company would I report them? Yes. Would I lie to a donor to get a major gift? No. Do I support IVF, sperm banks, surrogates, etc? No. The death penalty? No. Abortion in any circumstance? No. Do I want illegal aliens deported? Yes. Do I think able bodied people should receive welfare? No. Should homosexuals be allowed to marry? No. Should two unmarried people live together and/or have a sexual relationship? No. Should women be in the pulpit? No. Should there be transgendered bathrooms? No. And on it goes...Granted, I know and love many people who engage in such activities...but these beliefs are mine--not theirs. I may not approve of or like the choices they make, but I will never NOT associate or love and care for someone unless their choices affect my life or my family's life in a negative way. 

I beg for truth for each of these situations often, mind you. I realize that even in Christian circles, my beliefs or opinions might seem arcane, dogmatic, too "Right-winged", even prejudiced. But again, they are mine. They are where I have landed after 36 years of being a believer. It's how I understand Scripture, how I've interpreted the "nudge" in my heart when I've begged God to just, "Tell me if this is right or not!", and it's where my faith--at least to this point--has led me. I make no apologies for it. 

So this moral dilemma looms. I've consulted a few people I trust for insight (Proverbs 11:14-"Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety".) I have full confidence in Decision #1 that needs to be made and 99% on Decision #2 (maybe? perhaps? uh...?)...but it's the explaining of it, the results of what may come, the hurt of a relationship or the sudden shift in temperature amongst people I'm around often. I could cop out, come up with some lame excuse that isn't entirely true just to "get out of it". But that's not me either. 

For a while I've felt pretty "steady" when it comes to my faith journey. I enjoy my daily fellowship with the Lord, I consult, I praise, I confess, and I study in order to learn more. But this is a new season. A "testing", if you will, of this "faith" I claim to have. I was driving to Newark the other day and as I prayed aloud I affirmed, "I don't mind this...I don't like it and it's really hard to figure out what You want me to do, but I don't mind it because it's growing my faith". It's almost as if God is saying, "Ok, Jen. You think your faith is strong? Try this out..." And I do believe God does this, to prove us, to test us so that we can come forth as gold...I can only pray I come forth as such.