I checked voice mail from home in the morning and received an odd message from a woman I did not know but who identified herself as being connected with "Arelio" from the "18 Years and Counting" post. She left a number and asked me to call her, "It's urgent". I felt a pit in my stomach. It took a while for me to reach her but when I did, she confirmed the worst. Arelio had been found dead Monday of an alleged overdose. He'd recently come home from rehab and had finally gotten his own place. Now he was dead at 35. My heart broke.
The woman had been going through his belongings and found some old letters from me when I'd written to him during one of his many prison stints. She recalled who "Ms. Jen" was to him and reiterated that he'd spoken often of me over the years and how I helped him. She figured I would want to know of his passing. We both shed tears as we spoke.
As I got into the car to go to work and started to do my normal "pray on the way to work" routine I erupted into a fit of sobs. All day sadness sat on my chest with a heaviness I rarely feel because, well, I often have no occasion to feel sad. It was hard to breathe. I tried to distract myself with tasks and get my To Do list crossed off but I'd find myself gazing at one of the many pictures I have of him and of us in my office and remembering things. Every so often the tears would start again, a moan would find its way into my throat, and I'd just sit and cry. By the middle of the afternoon I'd reached the limits of effectiveness and decided to call it a day. The cloud of grief continued to hover...Driving home, I started to pray again and I declared to the Lord, "I am sad! I'm so sad!" and I knew it was okay to feel that way. Jesus was sad when Lazarus died--it was an emotion He knew and expressed.
And that was yesterday. A sad day. A heavy day, a "cloudy" day. But that was yesterday. I allowed myself to feel it fully and although I wrestled with tossing my Lent abstinence just to distract myself, I did not. I grieved, I remembered, and I cried.
I tried to find some profound connection to Arelio's dying and Maunday Thursday or this whole season...and I'm sure I could...but what I did come up with was pretty simple. As I was leaving for the day and sending my weekly report to my supervisor, I explained in brief why I was leaving early and wrote the following after telling her what happened:
I've been broken all day
, looking at all the pictures of him in my office and remembering happier times...but God is faithful and I'm trusting in His peace and comfort to come. I'm sad--so SO sad-- but steady, clinging to the Rock.
Have a blessed Easter...how wonderful that there is always hope, as this season and holiday reminds us. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow..."
And there it is...Because He lives, I can face tomorrow and the next day and the next...there is HOPE in that. That's my purpose for being. In spite of sadness and grief and pain, because HE lives, I can face tomorrow and whatever may come. I'm praying that today for Arelio's family, his daughters, and his friends. I already know it...My heart wants to believe that in spite of his demons he knew it also in some way and that God granted mercy on his soul.
2,000+ years ago on this day there was no hope. The disciples and the Marys saw Jesus crucified on the cross--done, dead, final. They forgot He said He was going to resurrect. The idea of facing tomorrow must have been beyond devastating. Ahhh...but (to take a line from my favorite sermon) it was only Friday...Sunday's coming! And with it all the hope and Reason to face tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment