This last week I was remembering "this time last year" and the uncertainty of my future employment with Covenant House. I remembered finding excuses to be near one of our executive team members so I could ask if there was any word, any thought, any plan for my future...and being told time and again, "Not yet..." I remember looking through the Want Ads, searching every Internet site I could to find a few backup plans, just in case...I remember finding my "dream job" being advertised (social worker in an area prison) that had loosened it's application requirements to take folks out of county (that NEVER happens) but remembering that I had made a promise to my current supervisor that I would not apply for anything until after Labor Day. I remembered the peace I felt that God was in control and I could trust Him, but also the heaviness of anticipated grief over the possible loss of something so dear to me--my kids, my work family, my purpose in serving the least of these in this capacity, and yes, a steady salary that afforded us a comfortable life.
This week a year ago was when I found out a door had opened...I was forwarded an email that explained the sudden resignation of the development manager in Camden...and at the top of the forward was the simple word, "Providential?" I remember gasping out loud, a flood of something coursing through my body from head to toe, gratitude that this could be the thing that saved me from having to leave...and then the wonder and disappointment of, "Really? This?"
In the "Be Not Dismayed" blog from last year I wrote:
"I was driving to a fundraiser about 2 weeks ago and was praying over this "cure"...and I became teary...and woeful...and "pit-in-my-stomach" upset...and I analyzed it to death--was I being selfish? Didn't I ask for a cure and who am I to argue with God about the less than ideal circumstances around it? Still I was unsettled... "
It has been a year of humility, a year of learning, a year of mercy and grace, and definitely a year of gratitude. Entering back into this area of service to our kids has been such a lesson in God's faithfulness, one I did not experience in my first go around from 2008-2010. I feel like I've seen God's hand in more this year in doing this work than ever before...Perhaps my eyes are opened wider, perhaps I'm more mature in my faith...or perhaps in my, "Waaaah!" about being placed in this work and finally resolving to allow God to use me however/whenever/with whomever I've been blessed with more concrete evidence that He is in control of it all...It's been a year of planting seeds, reminding myself to have the patience to let them grow, and a few small harvests. I've been blessed with a wonderful supervisor and blessed with the opportunity to continue to serve with the team of people I love, respect, and trust. And after 2 years of running an entire program, it's been a year of breathing room, reflection, more rest, and a cultivation of skills that had been laying dormant.
One year ago, I could never have imagined that I would feel this way sitting here today. But God knew, He'd already planned it, already decided that this would be the best thing for my good and my growth right now...And I am so thankful, so grateful...The open hands at the top of the page reflect the attitude I consistently try to have regarding everything--work, marriage, money, "stuff"...Open hands, not ones that clench the things of this world and argue, "MINE!" but ones that allow God to place into and take from without argument...and the faith and trust to accept whatever that may be.
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