There has been such guilt associated with the utter awareness of just how far I have to come to try and get a reign on this area of my life. Maybe guilt is too strong of a word...conviction--there you go. Ironically, when I'd "measure" my faith in light of "righteousness" I'd list in my mind my Big 3 Barriers (come on, Jen--call them what they are=SINS!) that keep me from a flawless, devout, Christian life. Things of which I am painfully aware of, convicted of, and frankly, sometimes sick of, but have become habitual prisons enough in which to feel comfortable...and, in my own sinful mind, "not so bad", my disordered eating being one (not currently at the clinical definition of "eating disorder" so flip the words and there you have it). It wasn't until I started on this Lenten intention of this particular area of my life that I became, again, painfully aware just how unrighteous I am when it comes to Ephesians 4: 29 ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen".) Still. each day has brought a new mercy to try again.
One devotional this week that stood out had to do with salt. Salt makes things taste better, it's a preservative, we are to be the salt of the earth, etc. One quote I recall from years back is something like, "Any Christian worth their salt will make others thirsty for Christ". I even wrote a song about that called "Thirst for the Difference". This devotional took the salt angle a bit further:
"Salt melts hard ice. Do we phrase our speech in such a way as to help melt an icy conversation and bring out the best in others?"
Hmmm...I pondered this. Granted, I'm a conflict avoider so I rarely, if ever, have conversations that I'd label "icy", at least when it comes to me and the person with whom I'm talking. I did recall a conversation I had with a co-worker this week where they were particularly "icy" about a situation that had happened. I listened, empathized, but also tried not to add another layer of ice. Perhaps I could have thrown on a layer of salt instead...but maybe my, "That really stinks", and several, "I'm really sorry that happened"s helped to melt the iciness a bit? Perhaps...
One area that was of particular challenge was our Sleep Out: Young Professionals event that took place in Newark on Friday. I was slated to work the event and stay overnight so Northward I went. Most of my team in the North work differently than I--not that my way is the best way--but it's a challenge for me to let what they have created run it's course and go with the flow AND keep my thoughts/opinions to myself. On the way up, I desperately prayed over this and added towards the end, "Help me not to complain".
Complaining...about people, about situations, about whatever. It accomplishes nothing and is useless. I wanted not parts of it. Not that I'm one that would be labeled a chronic complainer but rather, I wanted to be "the encourager" of the day, the peace-speaker, the calmer of nerves, and not give in or co-sign to anyone else's spouts of complaints or crisis.
It was tough...Events are tough--everyone is on edge to get it right and things do NOT go right--that just IS. Things happen, people fail, things you didn't expect come up and you have to deal with it RIGHT NOW and keep it moving well for everyone. You can find 8,942 things to complain about and probably more. But I tried very hard to monitor every word that came out of my mouth and to speak words of encouragement, edification, and peace. I gave hugs to people (I don't normally do this), I kept one major complaint to myself that festered all day, I told frazzled in-the-middle-of-a-problem-co-workers to, "Breathe! It's all good!" At the same time, I set myself apart a few times when the urge to spew forth the negative rendered its ugly head, something for which I might be asked about or even told about myself later on (and I'm okay with that). Overall, I'd give myself a "B".
Here I am at 3am, content that we reached our $150,000 goal, glad to be a part of a major movement, hopeful that the 145 sleepers in boxes and cardboard behind me will do more for our kids after they wake up and leave our sacred space.
The Sleep Out: Women Unite edition is less than 5 weeks away...I will be in "Event Jen" mode...and the opportunity to complain and fuss and bemoan my lot will be present. My prayer is that I can have a Proverbs 16:24 attitude:
"Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones".
Because even though Lent will be over and we will have celebrated the resurrection of our Savior, "the resurrected King is resurrecting me", every day, every moment, from myself, from that which keeps me from righteousness. Amen!
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