Overall though...change has been something that I fought hard against. I abhor that my body seems to always be in a state of change (aches, weight, skin, etc)...that our world's moral decline grows more rampant...that people I like and enjoy working with move on...that family has it's share of dramas and moves and issues...
Decades ago, my favorite therapist told me plainly, "Jen, besides the Lord, one of the only things you can ever count on is change. It will happen. So no matter how bad things get or however good they are, they will change, for better or worse or just", or something profound like that. I remember considering that and finding that, although I wasn't in the best place mental-health-wise, it brought me a degree of comfort and made sense. I've learned to (slowly) embrace that over the years and learn to roll with it (for the most part!)
Since the great Lent season I've found myself feeling a little stuck...in what or why I'm not sure. My morning times with the Lord have been a challenge and I've continued to try different things to get inspired, to dig deeper, to feel some more fire in my soul & bones. It's not that I don't want to spend time with the Lord--on the contrary--I long to mine first thing in the morning for the treasure of truth only His word can provide...but lately it's left me kinda...dry? Empty? Eh? I've changed devotionals, changed angles of reading (What is Jesus trying to tell me here? What can I apply today from this passage?) and am currently asking the Lord for words to research and study (rocks/stone/stones were first...now I'm onto "believe") with the hope of adding some deeper degree of faith. A nudge I try to ignore keeps poking at me though: "What else needs to change?" Am I in my own way of learning more? Are there things in my own life that are hindering me from changing further? Hmmm...
Okay--all the profound and deep spiritualness aside, there is one area of my life that has been changing and has continued to do so since the fall--the quest to grow out my bangs and get an age appropriate hair style. I used to be teased a little about my gigantic forehead when I was younger so when I was a junior in high school I got bangs and never looked back. Aside from a few lame attempts at layers and shorter cuts, my hair has been the same style for the last 27 years (ouch!!!) It occurred to me a couple of years ago that I could end up being "that lady" who has gloriously beautiful hair from the back but then she turns around and has a very aged face (thank you, sun, diet, and other bad habits) and you're like, "Urgh!" I solicited advice from amongst my sisters in law and a niece I trust...and everyone agreed--the bangs had to go. It took me about 2 more years to make the plunge.
This is me in October...ready to not cut my bangs. At this point I was pretty frustrated that they were so long but determined not to go back.
Further into the fall...eh...
Taken last week...good bye dark roots!
A family member who has witnessed me posting this process on Facebook stated, "I'm so glad you are documenting this so you will never be tempted to cut bangs again". (ok--ouch...) Will changing my hair change me? Probably not...I did take some stock when I began this process and tried to alter my style of dress a bit...I bought leggings for the first time and also a few pairs of boots (ooo!) In my quarterly "weedings" of closets I aimed to toss out anything that was dated (although even today I still held on to that black, flowered skirt I've had since college when that look was in BUT I stuffed it into the back of my closet to aim to NOT wear it this season and then toss it finally in the fall--it's a favorite!)
Mid-life crisis? (hardly...) Post-Lent poking by the spirit? (Time to make some major changes! Not just your hair!) Perhaps...Funny, I used to fight against the changes that were out of my control...but now am beginning to make changes that are within my control...for better, hopefully not worse, and just...
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